《犬儒遊夢》

牛牛 　　我的狗“牛牛”，是一隻身著黑白斑塊的混種公犬，就好像墨汁重染在白色的棉紙上，黑白分明。倘若將其皮毛攤展，圖像不失為一幅絕妙的現代水墨小品。

　　自五年前的一個下午，我在一窩流浪犬犢中將牠領養至今，牛牛參與了我這些日子以來所有的生命歷程。從小即與犬狗為伴的我，日常的環境中，狗自然成為家庭內必然的角色。幼時亦常聽同樣愛狗的父親描述許多關於狗的故事，那些故事通常帶著玄奇的情節，例如一隻斷了單耳的犬，被主人老遠棄放荒野之後，經過一些日子，那忠犬渾身傷痕累累地翻過幾個山頭尋回主人家門……(那是經歷多少空間的換轉和識別呀！)

　　雷驤老師在其小說集《矢之志》中的一篇“犬”，描述一隻如魂魄般陰沉的栗犬，自一個未知的地方無命的奔至一間屋內，噬死一背信於昔年戀人的少婦。之後便好像完成一件復仇的任務般，消失在後村的濃霧中。而第一個察覺到犬的不尋常意志的是一位耆老的盲者。(神秘的預知般的能力。)

　　而牛牛與我這兩千多個相互依存的關係中，並沒有發生什麼特別玄奇或異乎尋常的故事。但熟捻我和牛牛的親友卻經常說到：「看牛牛那靜默的神態和看著某個事物的眼瞳,多麼相似著牠的主人哪！」確然，牛牛是一隻異常乖順安靜的小狗，總是彷彿在思慮著什麼似的──就好像在眠睡和夢境間的縫隙漫遊著。

寵物和主人相像的道理，就在於牠們是主人生活方式的產物。而人類，則是在觀看動物時，體認到了自身的存在。甚或，寵物可以提供主人一面鏡子，反影出其他地方所無法反映的部分。------《影像的閱讀》

　　我常常在創作的片斷，靜靜的看著牛牛，而牠通常也會意識到我的注視，回應著同樣的眼神。或者慢慢的走進我的腳邊，端詳我的表情，就像在安慰我一樣。有時我也欲想從牠的靜澈目瞳中讀解出點什麼……，在我和牠彼間慣習的區域以外，似乎還是有很大的“非透明性”的模糊區塊。這意指著牛牛，在牠的視野，牠的思域，牠體認的、嗅聞到的，甚至在牠睏覺眠靨中所夢至的夢境，──── 是‧什‧麼‧模‧樣？

遊夢 　　將牛牛從生活轉進空白的畫布框視中，一直是我想孳長的意向。

　　但我一直找不出一條線路來接連我和牠之間的那些“非透明性”的秘密開關。這樣的窘境直到一個白日夢的開端…

　　天際的雲在滯緩的風裡聚形，藍天透著雪白的雲，孩子的手指著天空一朵朵的雲，依著形狀辨得許多動物的象形 ：小白兔、狗狗啊、貓咪啊、小白鼠啊、長頸鹿、大象……

　　孩子問一旁看著天空不發一語的父親說：「為什麼雲長的形狀都像動物呢？」

　　父親指著其中一朵雲說：「因為呀，那是今天上天堂的小動物們，牠們在前往天堂的途中，變成一朵雲，這樣小動物就可以順著風飄向天堂了！」

　　「嗯，……」孩子點點頭，繼續看著天上的雲……

　　我想藉由雲，帶著牛牛去遊歷。我想經由夢，帶著牛牛穿梭空間和時間。

　　人都做夢，我們在夢裡不但杜撰一系列的情景和事件，更虛構出特定的生命和自然，這一切都紀錄在教人難忘又似真實的虛假的空間裡。---《造型的生命》

　　於是，牛牛開始進入我所虛構的種種場景當中，就好像從〝哆拉ㄟ夢〞的口袋中所取出的任意門，可以無礙的穿越不同的時間之門，空間之鑰。也許牠是去看看山形的高壯；也許看雨滴的細落；看花荷的開闔、草木的變長。或者戲耍在中國的山水畫境中，並留下歸途中辨識的記號。這樣的出發，誘使我想征途更多有形的、和無界的標地，彷彿不願自華美的夢境中清醒一般，繼續在夢途裡漫漫遊走。

從哪裡來 往哪裡去 　　在杜撰的國度，意識的流可以恣意進出。從這裡到那裡；從這個世界進入另一個世界，從這個入口進來，往往發現裡面有更多的門。當意識流不斷的支離連結成林，時間的甬道漸被遮蔽源頭，殘餘的記憶黑盒發出夢兆微光。月光指引著我們出發，出發去尋覓真確的正典。 　　而，我們要從那裡來,往那裡去？

　　牛牛在我飄流的、誨澀的思域中遊歷著。就好像進入一個古老的城堡，裡頭有數不清的房間，每一個房間又都隱藏著秘密的地道，和通往另一個房間的門。

　　當我開始發現，我所以為的牛牛的異想空間，其實都是我的種種犬儒圖像，疑惑，矛盾，體現，視角。這些因為面對著空白畫布所反芻出的內向世界，我需假借牛牛的夢境，來幫我做盡可能的傳遞，以及在過程當中，不得不面對的自己。

　　在畫面上作自我描述的流程片段，許多的想法都會不斷的編織和拆解。通常我會耐心的等待，等待色彩和線條相互堆疊衍繹；等待形狀和空間彼此置放磁斥；等待直覺和生命經驗的協奏共鳴。因此，我希望觀者(以及自己)所看到的景況，也許不是一個〝答案〞，而或許是被延展出的臆想，或是被啟封的寓言，甚或是引致的疑慮。這同時解答了我在繪畫形式上的困境和內向世界所陳述的疑惑。終其核心的價值意義就在於過程中的追尋和行旅。就如同朝聖的信徒，步徒千里的前往聖地尋道，而真正得道的緣由也許就是在困頓旅途中的鍛鍊和前進的信念。從哪裡來，往哪裡去？我的答案就是在來和去的路徑上，所經歷的啟發和種種滋味。

　　在我與牛牛的這兩個對照的世界，我以牠視域的另端──既屬於「那裡」，也屬於「這裡」──思索著自己所在的位置與去向。

後記 　　此刻牛牛正在我的腳邊憩息，就像平常一樣。春日暖烘烘的陽光從窗帘滲透進來，時而挾帶著自大屯山緩緩送進的微風，和屋後人家的細碎日常聲響。我看著牠安靜的睡姿，想像此刻牠的夢域又飄遊到了哪裡？

　　在創作這些牛牛的畫作期間，我常常不禁想著，牛牛是否知道牠被複製成了畫面上的角色，進入了陰鬱主人的種種虛幻想像，以及任性地將牠錯置在不同的空間中遊蕩。好像是被迫於主人進行的秘密實驗，牠必須在夢兆中尋嗅出那一個個被置放在森林一角的黑盒子，和迷霧中一扇通往未知和過去的門。

　　牛牛醒過來抬頭看了我一眼，眼神表達了寬容與瞭然。我想將這些作品和這一次的展出獻給牛牛，感謝牠過去、現在、未來日子的陪伴。

　　況且，這是牛牛一場未完成的旅程，也是我的旅程。

許旆誠 于北投

2004/春

《Dream Traveling of a Dog》

Niu-niu

　　My dog “Niu-niu” is a mongrel with black and white spots, as if some one has splashed the Chinese ink on a cotton paper. If you spread his fur out, it would be similar to a beautiful modern wash drawing. Since I had adopted him five years ago, he has been by my side and shares with me my life experience.

　　I have been leaving with dogs from my childhood. Therefore, dogs have played a major role in my family. My father who is also a dog-lover has told me many tales about dogs. Most of the tales are bizarre. For example, a one-ear dog, who has been abandoned by its owner in the mountains, has traveled through hundreds of miles and come home with bruises and scars.

　　One story in teacher Lei-shiang’s collection “The will of an Arrow” is entitled “The Dog.” It is about a ghost-like dog with an unknown mission. After the dog killed a young married woman who had betrayed her lover, it disappeared in the fog as if it had accomplished its task. The first person that found the unusual strong will of the dog was a blind old man with a mysterious prediction skill.

　　Nothing strange or bizarre happened between Niu-niu and I on more than two thousand days we are together. However, according to friends who know us well, they always say Niu-niu is quite similar to me when he looks at something with his eyes! Indeed, he is a quite dog who often appears to thinking of something—it seems that he is wandering in the twilight zone between sleeping and dreaming.

　　The reason why pets would like their owners is because they are the products of their owners’ living style. While at the same time, by observing animals, human beings comprehend our own existence. Even more, pet could serve as a mirror for its owner to reflect the parts that a man could not see! ------ 《Reading Images》

　　Often, during my creating process, I would watch Niu-niu silently. Sometimes he senses my vision and looks me back with the same expression in his eyes. Or, he would walks to my side and looks at my face as of he wants to comfort me. There are times that I want to read something from his eyes ……, there seems to exist a huge “none-transparent” area outside those areas that both Niu-niu and I are accustomed to. This means that I am eager to find out the vision Niu-niu sees, the things he senses and smells, the train of his thoughts, and the dreamland in his dream────what are they like?

Dream Traveling

　　I always try to transfer Niu-niu from our daily routine into the paintings. Yet, I couldn’t find a path, a connection to link myself with the entrance of his “non-transparent” secrets. Until one day, I had a daydream.

　　With the wind blowing, clouds are shaping in the sky. A child points to the clouds and tries to identify different animals’ shapes: Little bunny, doggie, kitten and rats, even giraffe and elephant……

　　The curious child asks his dad who silently watches the sky: “Why do the clouds look like animals?” Dad answers by pointing at one of the clouds, “Those animals that go to heaven today will turn into clouds. In this way, they can flow into heaven by wind blow more easily!”

　　“Yes …” the child nods his head and keeps watching the clouds in the sky ……

　　With clouds, I would like to take Niu-niu to travel. With dreams, I could lead Niu-niu to shuttle through times and spaces.

　　People dream. In dreams, we create not only a series of scenes and incidents, but also certain life and nature. All of these are recorded in a virtual reality space that one can never forget. ---《The Life of Styling》

　　Therefore, Niu-niu starts to enter all kinds of scenes that I have created in my painting. Sometimes he visits a tall mountain; sometimes he watches the falling of raindrops; other times he observes the blooming and withering of flowers. Otherwise, he may play in the Chinese landscape painting, and leaves mark in it on his way back. After I start to put him in my works, I become more and more intrigued in placing Niu-niu in various visible and invisible landscapes. As if refusing to wake up from a sweet dream, I keep wandering in the dreamland.

Where from and where to go?

　　In a fictional world, the stream of consciousness can flow in and out at will; from here to there; from this world to another world. If the stream enters from this entrance, it may find even more doors behind it! When the stream of consciousness constantly connects different world, at the end, the source of the passage of time will be totally covered. And the left-over memory black box will send out the glimmering of dream. Moonlight appears to guide us to search for the only and the true canon. Yet, where are we from, and where are we going? Niu-niu travels in my thought, as if he has entered an ancient castle with thousands of rooms in it. Each room has a secret tunnel that leads to the door of another room. Later I begin to realize that all the fantasies I imagine Niu-niu has are in fact my own images, doubts, self-contradictory embodiments and perspectives about dogs. I need to borrow Niu-niu’s dreams to transfer my own inner reflection when I face an empty canvas. During the process, I have to face my true self in order to depict myself visually. All my thoughts are constantly forming and dissolving. For the most time, I would wait patiently for all the colors and lines to pile up; and all the forms and spaces to place themselves; and all the instincts and life experiences to harmonize!

　　Therefore, I hope the vision that viewers (and myself) is looking for is not an answer. It could be an extended surmise, or au unfolded fable, or even a misgiving. This could serve as a solution to the dilemma regarding my art form and doubt depicted in my inner world. Finally, the core value of my art is the process of searching and traveling. Like a pilgrimage who travels through thousand miles to the holy land. For him, the reason to find the doctrine lies in the suffering and inspiration he had during the travel and in his faith that motivate him to move to the holy land.

　　In the two worlds Niu-niu and I live, I think of the place I am now and the place I am going──either there or here──on the opposite side of Niu-niu’s vision.

Afterword

　　Right on this moment, Niu-niu is resting by my legs. Warm springtime sunshine penetrates through the curtain. Sometimes the breeze from Mt. Da-tun, and the noises from neighbor’s house can be felt in my place. I watch Niu-niu sleeping quietly; image that where he is going in his dream now?

　　During the process of creating these paintings about Niu-niu, I couldn’t help to wonder that whether if Niu-niu knows that he has been copied into these works. He is forced to throw into his moody owner’s imagination, who willfully misplaced his dog in several different spaces. As if he is made to join his owner’s secret experiment, Niu-niu has to find those black boxes in the woods of his dreamland, and a door in the mist that lead to the unknown and the past.

　　Niu-niu wakes up and looks me in the eyes, with tolerance and understanding.

　　I would like to dedicate these works and this exhibition to Niu-niu in order to thank him for keeping my accompany in the past, present and the days to come! After all, this is an unfinished journey for Niu-niu and me!